She Hid Her Disease
I found OA in 1980 while reading Dear Abby. My bulimia was extremely out of control and I thought this might have some answers. I sought out a meeting schedule and attended my first meeting on a Wednesday evening at a church. It was a bizarre experience initially. I had never imagined other people had issues with food like myself. I had kept my compulsion a secret due to a lot of shame.
Even though there were but a couple of people that referred to “bulimia,” I felt lower than the others. They showed the results of their overeating while I hid mine. Yet, I decided to return despite my uniqueness because I definitely related to the hopelessness, pain, and powerlessness expressed by others when it came to the food.
A day at a time I returned to the meetings, though I chose not to share for some time. The people were extremely friendly and offered assistance in my getting a better understanding of how this 12 Step Program worked. I took baby steps. I went through my first 5 steps with 5 different individuals. I was told there wasn’t just one way or a right way to work the program. I learned that “abstinence” wasn’t an accomplishment but a gift from my HP. It took 9 months to get abstinent.
During this time, I continued in my imperfect Step work, lots of meetings (because they were often the only times I wasn’t in the food), time with folks outside the meetings, trying to eliminate sugar out of my life, still exercising excessively three times a day, making uncomfortable phone calls and trying to call my food in daily…making space for the gift of “abstinence.” I was told to work on my spirituality and the rest would take care of itself. I put aside old beliefs and became open to the possibility that there was a higher power that could restore me to sanity. I acted “as if” a lot of the time.
Gradually I started experiencing relief with the food till in January of 1981 something shifted and I was able for just that day, NOT to purge. Everyday I made it the most important thing. I hung on with my fingernails, crying almost continuously, for a couple of years.
Three years into my abstinence, I ended up having a breakdown, as I connected with the despair I carried within. It required a 7 week outpatient stay in a hospital. They helped provide a safe environment for me to process my rage.
Soon after, I married and started a family. These changes challenged me as to what working my program, looked like. I learned that recovery works in all of life’s situations, and that uncomfortable transitioning times are a necessary part of the process. My food changed during my three pregnancies. It was very challenging, and required a lot of extra effort on my part, talking to others, to find what worked. That being said, sugar never did have a place in my plan. I continued to attend 2-3 meetings a week, but cut way back on service. As the family matured, I again offered time and energy to become more active in my meetings and Intergroup. I found that I have to go to at least 3 meetings or more a week, to nurture the desire to want the serenity, freedom from the food, fellowship and the relief that 12 Step offers.
When I choose to stay distant from OA, I begin to long for creative ways to numb out, run my own show, isolate and be less than kind to myself and those around me. Being active in my recovery and that of Denver as a whole, strengthens my commitment to my own recovery and insures a greater likelihood that OA will continue to thrive and be there for those to come, as well as for me, today.