The Pain of Secrets

When I came into OA, I was wearing the pain of a lifetime of well-kept secrets. Secrets I had carried from childhood and more secrets about a difficult marriage. No one ever saw my secret pain; I never shared it with anyone. I came into recovery wearing a mask and a protective cocoon. But everyone could see the effects of the food I used as a coping mechanism because I came into recovery carrying more than 100 extra pounds.

However, because of my willingness “to do whatever it takes,” I shared these secrets. First, with the person who listened to my first Fifth Step. I later shared some of my secrets with my newfound friends, but only when my sharing them would be beneficial to the other person. I have often found most of us carry the same types of shameful secrets, and those same secrets became much less shameful once they were shared. Sharing this pain was like having poison released. The poison that kept me living in resentful, negative thinking has been gradually replaced with gratitude for the pain I experienced. Without the pain and shame of my past, I would not be the person I am today. Many months into the program I have been seeing physical, emotional and spiritual recovery.

I live a life today filled mostly with gratitude for my new found life, my new found friends and mostly with gratitude for a higher power that shows me the next right step.

(originally contributed to Recovery Road, March 2011 by Sue R.)